why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
