guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
