my room smells like sperm. sweet.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
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