guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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