My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
time to smoke my breakfast
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
