You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
