I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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