So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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