Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My life is pants optional.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
