im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
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