Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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