Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
