I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
