I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
