I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
