tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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