Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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