Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
