I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
