Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
