he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
