I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I need to align my fucking chakras
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
