is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
