i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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