I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
