Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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