On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
