my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
