I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
