I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
