Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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