U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
