This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
