so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
