I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Someone shattered a urinal.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
