so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
