best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Mom said you looked used
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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