My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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