if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
