I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Randomize
