i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
