Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize