last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
