woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
That accounts for only three of the penises
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize