If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
not ubering you a puppy
Randomize
