I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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