walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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