I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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