I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
