He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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