Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize