I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
