I think I died a long time ago.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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