she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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