Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
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