Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
