isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
