GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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