The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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