Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
