she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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