New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
